Several years ago, I was a part of a community network of parents who brought Barbara Coloroso to our school community to talk about parenting from her book, “Kids are Worth It”.
I will NEVER forget her talk as it really resonated with me as a daughter, a mother, and an educator. Now, as I prepare my own talk for a school community in a few weeks (kind of crazy how it has come full circle for me), I am thinking about Coloroso’s parenting message as it applies to cell phone conversations.
She talks about three kinds of parenting styles: the brickwall parent, the jellyfish parent and the backbone parent. 
In this video, Coloroso elaborates on these styles.
I was raised in a brick-wall parent environment. The first response by my parents was always no. And while I did not revert to a jellyfish parenting style in rebellion, I know that since I saw Coloroso speak about 12 years ago, I always strived to be a backbone parent. And I think for the most part, this worked!
EXCEPT…when it came to the initial cellphone use of my kids! You see I allowed the media to scare me into rigidity. I set parent controls, and was very absolute about rules that I HAD SET. It is not surprising, that my kids engaged in media use behind my back (they admitted to me later that they had learned how to circumvent my Safety controls). I share lots of my parenting fails in my book, Social LEADia.
I have seen MANY parents engage in Jellyfish parenting when it comes to cell phones: laughing about how kids these days just seem to know all this stuff, not having any kind of guidelines for time spent online, or allowing kids to play 18+ games at the age of 10. When something goes wrong, these parents jump into “brick wall parent mode” because they don’t have strategies to fall back on; often banning kids from devices for long periods of time.
I think I have finally reached the point where I feel like I am a back bone parent when it comes to use of devices. This is not true all the time and I definitely don’t think I’ve got it all figured out, but here is what I am thinking about it right now:
A few tips for being a back bone parent when it comes to device use:
- Co-create family guidelines for cell phone use
- Moderate time spent online vs time spent offline and have conversations about balance
- Encourage exploration of online communities for creating and connecting
- Have ongoing conversations about what kids are seeing, learning, and excited about, and uncomfortable with or wondering about. Model this by engaging in your own “think aloud” about what you are seeing, learning, excited about, uncomfortable with and wondering about
- Ask questions and learn about what your kids are learning, seeing, and doing online
- Model the behaviour you would like to see and admit your own shortcomings and struggles
Would love to hear your thoughts.
I think I’m a backbone parent more than a brickwall parent or a jellyfish parent. I’m involved in modeling and in discussing with them. At times modeling means asking them about and actually learning to use what they use. Some of my technological skills as a teacher and my genuine interest in my students’ experience with apps, music and more is from my experience with my own children and appreciating the discussion (and being a little selfish in all the cool apps and songs I come across that I may not have otherwise come across). There was a little bit of a brickwall parent in me with apps when they were much younger and a little more of a jellyfish parent in me as they get older. I feel more assured in letting go a little more and more with my oldest child now specifically because as a backbone parent she learned how to use social media relatively responsibly.
I love this. This is a very succinct, clear description of how to wisely parent in the digital age. Through ongoing conversations and expressing genuine curiosity (instead of knee-jerk judgement) about the apps their children are using, parents can be aware of what their kids are doing, available to step in if help/guidance is needed, and most importantly, parents will gain their children’s trust. Trust is lost in the brick wall relationship. Respect is lost in the jellyfish relationship.
Such a good point, Tina. I reflect on my own parenting as my kids have grown up. and I know that at times when I was overly controlling, I lost my kids’ trust. I don’t know that we’ll (I’ll) ever get it 100% right, but I certainly strive to be a backbone parent.